T-money’s blog

 I had an epiphany a couple of weeks ago.  I had just gotten off the plane from LA and Mr Dirty English.  Went straight to work, then straight to LSAT class, home, sleep, gym, work until 10, sleep, work, LSAT, sleep, work, gym, sleep.  Go back, read that sentence and you just read 4 days of my life.  The rest of the week, continued on like that until I drove into SF for a night, partied, kissed a few boys,and then drove back the next morning to, yes, work some more.

And then, that morning I had the epiphany.  My life is moving way too fast and not all the things in my life make me feel fulfilled.

I made a rapid effort to slow things down.  Firstly, I quit my second job.  This has been nice.  I really loved working my second job.  It gave me an opportunity to hang out with cool girls, and play with clothes and shoes - plus I got a great discount on nice clothes. But it took up too much valuable ME time.  It just wasn't worth it anymore.  The money I made in one shift there I make in 1 hour at my "real" job.

I stopped partying - Don't get my wrong, I love going out.  But it just got to be too much.  I started feeling like I was going out to avoid hanging out with myself - to avoid being alone. 

I started spending time with my girls - Monday two for one margaritas at El Centro, great gab, and gossip. Thursday evening a 6 mile run with a fun, sweet new runner co-worker of mine named C.  Friday night was a dinner date with my girl E and then Sex and the City!

I stopped with the boy nonsense - This blog has been mostly about men. Serial dating with guys I don't care about or longing for guys that dont appreciate me.  Not to say I haven't been hanging out with my guy FRIENDS - that I've been doing.  But as for dating, no, I haven't been doing any of that.  I just don't see the point of spending ME time with people who I know won't give me any type of fulfillment.

I've been spending time with the family- They live 15 minutes from my office, so why not stop in on them every now and then.  They are such a humbling and grounding force in my life.  They keep me real.  They keep my head out of the clouds.

I've been thinking seriously about my next steps in life - I have a great apartment, great friends, great family, and a great job in Sacramento.  But lately I've been thinking about what comes next.  Something tells me that I'm destined for better things than Sacramento has to offer and I'm just exploring what my next options are.

Wish me luck, because I think this slow down is the first step in the next big thing. I think I'm on the verge of a breakthrough.  I think I'm about to figure something out.

Last night was another date night. Lets call this guy, Mr. Last night. Mr Last night and I had coordinated to meet up for a drink at 8:30pm. When about 7:45 rolls around I send him a text asking him if we are still on.

"Still at work, call you when I get off" was his response.

I work alot, so I understood. Fine. 8:30 rolls around, and I still haven't heard from him. Then 9pm, then 9:30. I had written the guy off completely so I called my Gay boyfriend B and we went to Monkey Bar for a beer. Me and B had just sat down with our first Guiness, at 9:45 when I get a text from Mr. Last Night.

"So sorry, we had an emergency at work and I had to stay to fix it. I still want to meet up, are you available?"

My response

"I'm actually out with my friends, but if you'd like to join you're more than welcome."

his response

"That would be weird, but I still want to meet up"

That would be weird? Weird to meet a group of people at a bar? What planet does this guy live on? I write him off completely. Then, a couple hours later, when B and my new friends A and B are into our 3rd beer he writes.

"I'm so bored"

So I write back, "well we are still out having a beer, you can still meet up with us if you'd like" (I know, I know I gave this douchebag way to many chances and I should have just ignored him)

Then he writes "What do I get out of it? ha ha ha" By this time I had a bunch of people at the bar reading my texts and laughing at this douche. When he sent this one I screamed out, "EWWWWWW"

"write back 'ewwwwwwwww' my gay boyfriend exclaimed" Instead of humiliating the guy,I didnt say anything, I just ignored him. By this time, I had really had it with him. He was just a strange bird and that was the end of it. Then at Ink, I get ANOTHER text from this douche.

"I'm going to bed, I just wanted you to know."

um, and I care, why?

What a douchal dude.

My grandpa, my mom's dad passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly yesterday morning. It was shocking. When my mom called me at work yesterday with a shaky voice I knew something was wrong but I would have never imagined this.

 I've taken a couple days off work to regain some perspective and to mourn the loss.

With all the serial dating I'm doing, I've met alot of guys.  But I've been hard pressed to call any of them honorable.

My grandpa was a truly good and honorable guy.  He was a self-made and successful, active, joyus, family man. He reminded me of John Wayne. He was kind of rough around the edges but I think that was because he was so soft on the inside.  After a few straight bombay saphires (with ice and a garlic olive) he would confess to me in his very loud gruff voice "Goddamnit I'm a sentimental old bastard"

As his wife said, "He was a big man, but most of that was heart"

I'll miss you, your heart, and our shots of Patron at the Lyons Club Crab Feed.

But most of all, I'll just miss my grandpa.

My friends coined a term on the mountain....testicular fortitude.  The first time I heard it was a few weeks ago, when we were skiing/boarding this amazing storm.  The powder was so thick and we were all just going balls to the wall. My guy friend A and girlfriend J started using it pretty generously.

"I can do this run because I have testicular fortitude." 

"I got stuck in waist deep powder because I have testicular fortitude"

It was hilarious, suddenly everything we did, we did because of testicular fortitude. It got kind of ridiculous. But then a few days later I started thinking about it and it kinda hit me.  Me and my girlfriends, we do have testicular fortitude.  When we're not at work closing a deal, we're on the mountain taking risks (jumping, shredding through trees, doing things that scare us), we're climbing that difficult route, we're running that extra mile even if it hurts like hell, we're biking, we're on a plane traveling.  And if we're single (or not), we're getting drinks purchased for us and telling the men on the buying end, "you're kind of blowing it, you should probably start impressing me soon".

 It's awesome being the woman on top.

We play with the boys, we play hard, and we aren't afraid.  So what happens when a girl with extreme testicular fortitude meets a guy with less testicular fortitude?  Lets call my last date Mr Soccer.  Mr Soccer, on paper seemed like the epitome of testicular fortitude. Semi pro soccer player, engineer, rock climber, snowboarder, world traveler. He seemed...awesome! My kind of guy.

But then, in real life it was weird.  We were on our date enjoying Sushi at Mikuni and I wasn't feeling it and I couldnt understand why. Then I started paying close attention to how he spoke. It lacked a certain directness. For example,  "Well, maybe if you want, we could go eat sushi, or something else if you'd like" 

Every question I asked him, when I finally got an answer it started with "well, I don't know, I guess that...."

I started getting frustrated on the date and just started talking and rambling.  Which is what I usually do when I get frustrated or uncomfortable.  5 minutes later I realized I had been talking about A's farts and my stinky feet on the mountain.

Good going. Way to impress a date. Talk about your guy friend's farts and your ridiculously stinky feet. But I really didn't care.  I think I just need someone with a little more self confidence, someone with that same or more testicular fortitude.

The directness, the edginess, the challenge, the risk taking, thats the stuff that really makes me hot and bothered.

My first day on Match, I noticed this super hot, hottie. Lets call him Mr. Blondie. Before I could even take action, he emailed me. I read his profile, and he sounded just like something I wanted. He was a skier, he was a runner, he traveled, he climbed, he was ambitious, he was a Football fan of my University's team. We emailed back and forth for about two weeks, then two weeks ago he asked me out to dinner. We exchanged phone numbers and he called me. We talked for about an hour and a half and got along over the phone pretty well.

Dinner was at Tapa the World. He ordered a bottle of Zin and we sat and talked and drank while waiting for our paella. The conversation was great. We laughed alot, I joked around, I gave him a bad time about watching Greys Anatomy and wanting to try Yoga. We had tons in common, and even some weird similarities. For example, his house backed up to a project site that I worked on extensively the first year I worked for my company. We were both the captains of our respective softball teams. Dinner came, it was fantastic. Then there was a perfect Cheesecake for dessert.

He offered to drive me home, and at this part of the date I was a half a bottle of wine in, and feeling pretty comfortable with him. When we pulled up to my house it was the typical 'thanks had a good time we should do this again' talk. I had JUST met the guy a few hours earlier so I didn't really feel like a kiss was appropriate. I went to hug him goodbye and he laid one on me.

"Ok," I thought, "I can do this, I like him and he's hot, really hot"

But the kiss was weird. And maybe its just because the second the to the last person i kissed was No Game. ( Read "A History Lesson..." to hear about our first kiss...he was a ridiculous good kisser..always hot. It always made me melt). But maybe it was just a technical difficulty. I mean, we were in the car, my typical kissing side is the right. Meaning, my head always leans to the right when I kiss. But for this whole makeout session my head was tilted to the left! Blondie bogarted my makeout side!

Despite the awkwardness of the kiss (for me) I was still totally buzzing after the date. I thought "wow, finally someone who is interested who is worthwhile! who knows how to treat a lady"

A day goes by...no call

A swingers style 3 days go by....no call

A week...no call

He wined me, dined me, and ditched me!!!

I was slightly bummed, the bummedness was exentuaed by a No Game run in on the mountain 4 days later and a subsequent email chain the next week. (He watched me ski away to the other side of the mountain. Why does he look at me like that, why does he watch me!?!?!?!....ugh! Seeing him sucks so much!!!!). But after the inital bummedness, I used my typical approach to dating which was/is......

On to the next!!!!!!!!!

I'm doing a 180 with this blog. This week I was reading through it and realized that it was....well, to be frank, sad. It was full of heartwrenching details about a person who never wanted more. It was full of half ass attempts to move on with random guys and then, inevitably going right back to a night with No Game. It was full of lies, not lies to the reader, but lies to myself. I tried to pretend that I was strong, that I didn't care. But I did. And I'll come out and say it. I cared about him alot, I really really did. And during the last two months of 2007, I really wanted to be with him, and only him. I did things with him that I haven't done before because, sadly, somewhere deep down I thought maybe if I did it he'd want me. It was a dirty downward cycle. Because every time I gave into him, he never wanted me more, and I felt like I lost a piece of myself. Lose/lose anyway you look at it

I'm going to try and be more honest from now on in this blog, and in my life. Honest with myself, and honest with you the reader. I'm also going to try and focus more on the good things that happened with my dating life, and not just the bad encounters I've had. Really, you as a reader have been at a serious disadvantage. You haven't been able to see the amazing adventures, accomplishments, and fun times I've had. I haven't written to you about nice dinners, the sweet txt messages, and the constant pursuit of very nice, cool, hot guys because they all were overshadowed by the boy that was bad to me.

I'm bringing it all forward. It's time to do that 180.

I'm feeling really sentimental tonight and I dont know why.  Usually a long run and a good slap in the face takes that gross gushy stuff away...One long run down and I'm still feeling it.  So to celebrate the mood, here are my favorite random sweet nothings from my museum of (very few) lovers. In no order, just as they come to me.

"You're Amazing"

"That's why I love you so much, you're the underdog. No one thinks you're ever going to make it, but then you fight and you fight and you always win, you always prove people wrong...just to prove them wrong"

"I wanted to kiss you last time I saw you, but I just didn't, I don't know why I didn't"

"You're not a badass!!!!"

"You're so loving, thats why I love you"

"I Love you LT"

"I Love you Girlypants"

"yeah, yeah, for sure we'll go out this week"

"So I think this time I almost got to second base"

"Home run, grand slam"

"You're going to get on that plane and leave here, but just remember, no matter where this world takes you, no matter how high you climb, I'll always love you, no matter what happens from this moment on.  I will always love you, please just remember that"

"I think you're really special, everyone likes you, my frat brothers like you, my mom likes you, I really like you, I think I'll just mess it up now, I mean, I'm not ready, it's just....you know what I mean?"

"That's 'cause you have a ghetto booty"

"I think I could make you happy"

"Wow, you're like the coolest girl ever you keep a bike, a soccer ball and a baseball mit all in your SUV"

"I'm sorry, see, this is why I'm bad at this, I'm just so sorry, do you forgive me?"

"You're beautiful, you're just so beautiful"

I loved the way they called me baby....

Check out these cute videos about Valentines day...I really like the directional one about "how to be single on Valentines"  Down with the fugly stuffed bears!

Also check out this hot kissing video by Jaman http://www.jaman.com/a/video/0np-TDrSzOwA/

I don't like it when men, specifically men who are pursuing me, make large (or any) displays of emotion toward me. Being in my ridiculously single phase, I'm really starting to see how "playing it cool" can come in handy. A couple weeks ago, Mr. Bro Boy sent me an email while he was out of the country. His email was pretty great, it talked about all his adventures, and travels, and that he'd like to go out again. It was light, it was fun, and it was nice. This is my kind of email.

However, being the honest person I am, and remembering the ill fated kiss attempt at the last date I wrote back that I just wanted to be friends. I told him that I had just gotten out of something that was bad for me (ewwwwww cpt no game) and that "....I was weary about dating. I was however all about meeting cool, fun, interesting quality people (like himself) and hanging out on a friendly level"

He writes back with a whopper. That he felt a real connection with me and he didn't want it to slip through his hands, that from the time we met to the end of our last date was perfectly orchestrated. That he would wait for me to go through my healing phase. That we could hang out no pressure. No obligation. No expectation. However, he was interested in pursuing a relationship.

We went out on one date. How is it that you can feel a connection with someone after hanging out two times? I just don't get it. I meant what I said about him being a cool, fun, interesting and quality person. But I did not feel any type of connection with him, especially not on that level. The sad thing is, is that if he hadn't tried to kiss me on the first date, and then pushed me when I said no, I would have definately gone on another. And if he hadn't written this type of email in response to mine, I would have hung out with him again. But now, I'm weirded out...because there is expectation and there is pressure.

There is another guy who I'm talking to from Match. Lets call him Mr. Cop. We've been writing emails for a couple of weeks. I didn't feel any significant connection through the emails but it seemed like we had one or two things in common...(skiing, travel). So he writes me this email in response to mine, mostly talking about skiing, travels, and work. Then at the end right next to "how did you get to be so outdoorsy?" he asks me "do you think you'd make a good girlfriend?".

WTF? I feel like that is such a personal question. I'm the best girlfriend, I already know that. But, why, why would you ask me that right next to talking about racing on the ski team, and hiking half-dome. To me it seems like he's already evaluating me as girlfriend material. I want to write back, "dude, you've seen a picture and 3 emails, for all you know I could be psycho stalker, clingy, check your cell phone bill, sniff your boxers chick"

It seems like women develop a connection after sex. Why is it that men develop a connection immediately? And what does "connection" mean anyway?  I don't get it.  It's not who I am, it takes me a long time to really trust someone, to really get to know someone.  When I feel rushed, I get really scared.

So boys, the moral of the story is play it cool, and T-money will call.

I figured it was time to really get out there.  Time to have some fun.  Time you all started reading about a variety of guys. I can't actually believe I did this.  But I joined match.com.  Not because I'm looking for a relationship, but because I want to go out and have some fun with boys.  And dates are really good for that.

So, ladies, let the games begin....